Does Parenthood Have to be the End for Friendships?
45%.
That’s the percentage of women who told Parents magazine that they had fewer friends after becoming a mom.
I always notice these types of reports because I had difficulty sustaining important friendships after my daughter was born. A recent NPR show about how friendships change over time had me listening intently. I have been able to maintain many close friendships over the past thirty years, but sadly, not all. The show gave me clues to why some friendships have stayed and others have gone. Here’s what I learned.
Bill Rawlins, author of “Friendship Matters,” said that friendship styles explain a lot about whether people sustain long-term friendships. He finds that people usually fit into one of three styles:
These folks are constantly making new friends. They’ll have lots of acquaintances, but few deep, long-standing friendships.
If this is your friendship style, you maintain long-term friendships, and a loss of those relationships would be a major wound.
These people try to stay close to long-standing friends as they move and go through different life stages, but also make new friends along the way.
I can see how friendship styles are relevant. I’m more of the ‘discerning’ style, making an effort to stay in touch through jobs and marriage and kids and all the fatigue and responsibility that have come with each step. I suppose if my friendships were not important, I would have gladly traded the interaction for sleep on many, many days.
http://onpoint.wbur.org/2015/11/02/housing-policy-friendship-adult-relationships
While Mr. Rawlins style explanations why people do or don’t act to sustain friendships, I don’t think it captures the underlying influences that have defined why my friendships have changed. I believe the biggest factor is whether you’re at the same life stage as your friends.
For example, I was the first person in my circle of friends to become a mom. Many friends without kids continued to call with spur of the moment invitations. Things like “do you want to catch a movie in an hour?” Well, yes, I’d love to, but I have no child care, and I can’t take a toddler to the movies.
Friends Through 20 Years, 11 Kids, and 9 Relocations
That was a pretty common one, but my favorite of all time: “I’m flying to Colorado for a ski weekend on Friday. Wanna come?”
This brings me to my point. To maintain a friendship, two people have to understand and empathize with each other’s life situation. That’s just easier to do when you’re on the same page at the same time. I can tell you that I’m still connected with my movie loving friend, but sadly, not to the skier.
Also, friends need to feel secure about the strength of the friendship. While most friends adapted to my reality of having less time to spend with friends after parenthood, others did not. When weekly contact turns into monthly contact, feelings can be hurt. I’d like to say that when I explained my new reality to friends, they all understood. Most did, but others simply could not.
I recently had a girl’s weekend with four women that I met in graduate school over twenty years ago. I treasure their friendship, and we’re now all married with kids. My youngest is the age of their oldest kids, but over time, we all got to the same life stage- and we managed to stay connected throughout.
Do you have friends that you still treasure but simply have less time for now that you’re a parent? Use this blog post as a conversation starter. Send it to them. Ask to talk about how your life has changed- especially your reduced leisure time- and let them know how much they still mean to you. If you can work through the more demanding years, maybe you’ll be getting together twenty years from now, relishing a friendship that sustained the highs and lows of life.
